They say time flies when you're having fun. It turns out time also flies when you have a quarter life crisis, drop out of uni, move twice and flip your whole life upside down. Twice.
I titled this post 'Catching up with myself' because I feel like I haven't given myself enough time recently. After I dropped out of uni (definitely a story for another day) I was so keen to prove to everyone that I could succeed and that I could make it on my own that I lost sight of what I wanted. I ended up in an awful job that made me miserable and left me feeling like I couldn't possibly go anywhere in my life if this was what full time work was. It wasn't until I started at a new company doing something totally out of my comfort zone that everything clicked into place.
I finally felt like myself again, which is bizarre considering my new role was completely alien to me but I felt like I fit in there. My team were amazing and like a second family and it was exactly what I needed to get me out of the black hole I was in.
Fast forward 18 months and I'm still with the same company. I've moved up in my career and moved down the country again. I couldn't have been happier to be promoted and take on new challenges despite the initial anxiety.
This company has helped me realise that full time work isn't meant to be crying to your boyfriend every night. It's not waking up to a panic attack every morning at the thought of getting on the train to go to the office.
The only issue is, despite how lucky I am and despite feeling like I've found my perfect career, my head has a habit of shaking things up just as I'm getting comfortable and so in typical Ellysia fashion, I've sort of lost my way again.
About 2 months ago, getting up to go to work started to become a chore, opening the curtains on my day off was a task and dragging myself out of the house to go and buy food was pretty much impossible. I've struggled with my mental health before so I knew the signs and I knew I wasn't quite right but why was I feeling like this when I was happy? I'd found a job that I loved so why do I feel like shit every day?
Truth Is, it's nothing to do with my job, it's nothing to do with being happy, nothing to do with my relationship or how much money I'm making. It's nothing to do with absolutely anything other than chemicals. Sometimes, things get a little bit out of whack and it's so easy to blame ourselves and tell ourselves that we should be doing more, that we're lazy or that there's no reason to be sad when in actual fact there doesn't need to be a reason. I've started new medication after arguing with myself for weeks and being stubborn because 'I didn't need them and the air is just starting to clear after a month or so.
Anti depressants aren't a miracle cure. They're not happy pills. However, what they do best is clear the fog a little so that you can focus on yourself and focus on moving forward.
I'm not really writing this for any purpose other than to clear some space in my mind. I've been reading a friend's blog recently who works for the same company as me and it inspired me to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) again and word vomit all over the internet.
Now I've rambled on using terrible grammar and punctuation it will probably be another 3 years before I stop hoarding my thoughts again.
Speak soon (when I'm 26)
Leesha
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